to be completely honest

To be completely honest, I'm scared out of my mind. I'm scared to the point where even the most mundane details are frightening. Turning off the gas service, discontinuing DSL service, packing up the pantry. Everything feels perfunctory but it is a robotic movement towards a place.

New York City.

I don't have a job. I don't have a plan. I do have an apartment and 3 roommates but other than that...

I've started shedding. Interesting that my skin is flaking while my apartment is being shaken upside down. Sheets and sheets of paper have fallen out. Early drafts of poems. Saved IM conversations. Yellowing newspapers I never read. I've amassed 8 years of printed matter. I've donated books to the local library. I've recycled everything that's recycleable thus far and will continue to do so even though it makes things remarkably slow. I've cleared off 3 bookshelves and have more boxes to go through. I'm sentimental. To a fault.

It's not easy. This upheaval. This massive reordering of my life. Especially for someone who hates change. But just because something isn't easy doesn't mean it's not worth it. Something very small inside of me is standing up against the grand uncertainty. The risk of finding something magical. The spark of a happiness I thought I once had but perhaps this time it will be longer lasting.