the real world
This weekend, in a quaint little town about forty miles east of Los Angeles, in a modest home on a tree-lined avenue with simple furnishings and gentle dog, you would have found me: splayed across the couch in my parents' family room in front of the TV; in my sports bra and sweatpants, stewing in my own filth, generally unresponsive to my name being called with eyes bloodshot from lack of moisture, a condition usually remedied by blinking.
Holy crap, do I love watching MTV's "The Real World: Austin"!!! I mean, I really love it. Would I watch 12 episodes in a row (out of 18 aired thus far) if I wasn't at least mildly piqued? Who watches this shit anymore? Gimme a Nielsen box and I'll tell you who...ME.
Real World (in particular Austin,) why do I love thee? Oh, it's so depraved. You are the life I never had but secretly wished I had. I watch you with mouth agape, eyes glued, brain transfixed, absorbing every backstab, bar fight and booty call. I never wore clothes that showed my midriff. I never solved my problems with tequila. I never made out with strange boys I didn't know. But now I do all these things vicariously while sitting in the beige comfort of suburban suburbia.
My real world is a Toyota Camry, online bill pay and sensible shoes. If I had to talk into the camera about my feelings, it'd be along the lines of...
"I wasn't sure if I should have cereal for dinner. You know, like, since cereal has a lot of carbs and stuff. But I did."
*start crying*
"And, I wish I hadn't."
My real world would get a viewing audience of 0% Tuesday night adults 18-49. My life has no spice. It has no layers. Many deep conversations are had in Austin. Rachael tells of the intimately frightening experience as an US army nurse in Iraq. I wonder if I should return a pair of shoes I bought just to get my parking validated. Nehemiah wishes he could be closer to his mother who's in rehab. I'm debating what color to paint the guest room. Lacey professes her undying love for her parapalegic boyfriend. Do I need to get milk? Danny and Melinda are going to make it work, no matter what it takes because one day Danny is going to realize that Melinda is gorgeous and is as close to a supermodel as he is ever going to date. Where did I put my ATM card? Johanna realizes that being arrested for public intoxication is not going to stop her from living her life. I'm going to the supermarket. Wes wants to have sex with anything that won't chew his dick off. Must remember to buy a new nail clipper.
The parents come home from a night of dancing at the senior center. My mother is putting away the dishes from the dishrack.
"Oh my god, ma, I love this show," I sigh dreamily.
"What show is it?"
"The Real World. It's so great. It's the life I never had. They go out every night, get drunk and try to find someone to have sex with." I'm searching for a connection.
"Oh no. You want a life like that?"
"Uh, yeah!"
"You don't want that kind of life."
Reality check not reality show. She's right. Make-believe adulthood with lots of skin and no responsibility, that's not the real world. Married 33 years with a 28 year-old daughter who still comes home every weekend to plant herself on your couch in front of the television you bought, with food from your pantry, watching DirecTV you pay for, it doesn't get any more real than that.
Holy crap, do I love watching MTV's "The Real World: Austin"!!! I mean, I really love it. Would I watch 12 episodes in a row (out of 18 aired thus far) if I wasn't at least mildly piqued? Who watches this shit anymore? Gimme a Nielsen box and I'll tell you who...ME.
Real World (in particular Austin,) why do I love thee? Oh, it's so depraved. You are the life I never had but secretly wished I had. I watch you with mouth agape, eyes glued, brain transfixed, absorbing every backstab, bar fight and booty call. I never wore clothes that showed my midriff. I never solved my problems with tequila. I never made out with strange boys I didn't know. But now I do all these things vicariously while sitting in the beige comfort of suburban suburbia.
My real world is a Toyota Camry, online bill pay and sensible shoes. If I had to talk into the camera about my feelings, it'd be along the lines of...
"I wasn't sure if I should have cereal for dinner. You know, like, since cereal has a lot of carbs and stuff. But I did."
*start crying*
"And, I wish I hadn't."
My real world would get a viewing audience of 0% Tuesday night adults 18-49. My life has no spice. It has no layers. Many deep conversations are had in Austin. Rachael tells of the intimately frightening experience as an US army nurse in Iraq. I wonder if I should return a pair of shoes I bought just to get my parking validated. Nehemiah wishes he could be closer to his mother who's in rehab. I'm debating what color to paint the guest room. Lacey professes her undying love for her parapalegic boyfriend. Do I need to get milk? Danny and Melinda are going to make it work, no matter what it takes because one day Danny is going to realize that Melinda is gorgeous and is as close to a supermodel as he is ever going to date. Where did I put my ATM card? Johanna realizes that being arrested for public intoxication is not going to stop her from living her life. I'm going to the supermarket. Wes wants to have sex with anything that won't chew his dick off. Must remember to buy a new nail clipper.
The parents come home from a night of dancing at the senior center. My mother is putting away the dishes from the dishrack.
"Oh my god, ma, I love this show," I sigh dreamily.
"What show is it?"
"The Real World. It's so great. It's the life I never had. They go out every night, get drunk and try to find someone to have sex with." I'm searching for a connection.
"Oh no. You want a life like that?"
"Uh, yeah!"
"You don't want that kind of life."
Reality check not reality show. She's right. Make-believe adulthood with lots of skin and no responsibility, that's not the real world. Married 33 years with a 28 year-old daughter who still comes home every weekend to plant herself on your couch in front of the television you bought, with food from your pantry, watching DirecTV you pay for, it doesn't get any more real than that.
posted by Katie at 10:24 PM
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