10 tips for getting over a broken heart
1. Get out of bed. Sometimes it feels impossible. But getting out of bed every morning will remind you that you have to keep living. Yes, your ex is also getting out of bed. Maybe they’re getting out of someone ELSE’s bed and while that hugely sucks, you are not going to let them win by sleeping past 2pm. You need to get your ass back on track and that starts anew every day.
2. Brush your teeth. I like to do this every day but some people… not so much. The cool, crisp sting of the toothpaste in your mouth will make you feel like kissing someone. If your ex is getting some from someone new, you best get to steppin’ and get the fuck on with your bad self. Clean teeth, fresh breath, there is no reason you won’t have some hottie’s tongue in your mouth within a week.
3. Eat healthy. I’m not talking about eating a dick or some girl’s cooch… I’m talking about fruits and vegetables. Ice cream and whiskey do not a smokin’ bod make. Eat healthy so that oily forehead disappears and people actually want to look you in the eye when you’re hitting on them at Kohl’s. Pick up some apples and some green leafy veggies and knock yourself out. You will feel energetic and optimistic instead of depressed and rude like you normally are.
4. Exercise. No one wants to be the rebound of a fat ass. Run, bitch, R-U-N. Get on the treadmill. Go to the beach and swim in the ocean. Take a yoga class. If you have gotten out of bed and had a healthy meal, why can’t you go for a jog? The more you move, the more you sweat, the more you sweat, the less toxins are in your body, the less toxins in your body, the more endorphins in the brain, the more endorphins in the brain, the less you have to spend on blow. It’s just fucking practical.
5. Cry if you want to cry. Now, I’m not saying cry like a punk ass bitch. But, if you feel the need to shed a tear, go ahead. Do it quietly and discreetly and try not to do that heaving sob shit. When you’re depressed, you body makes chemicals that it doesn’t normally. When these chemicals build up, some of them come out in your tears. Seriously, I read this somewhere. So, you can cry your ass to sleep and feel better. But don’t let me see you.
6. Talk about it. I don’t care how many people you know, tell EVERYONE about it. Whine about it. Re-hash it with them. Post it on your website. Pretty soon, enough people will avert their eyes to their watch while you go on and on about how fucked up things are that you will realize that you are not in that bad of a place. You have your health and everyone knows your ex is a whore so, fuck them, you’re not giving them the time or day no matter how many different ways it gets back to them that A) you cried and B) you can’t stop talking about them.
7. Acknowledge your feelings. All you have to say is… “I’m a pussy.” Realize this and your own inner drill sergeant will kick you in the shin and make you run through the rubber tires of healing. Your ex acknowledged their feelings: “Hey, it’s over.” So catch the fuck up and know who you are inside and deal with it. You can’t hide from yourself forever and the sooner you fess up, the sooner the Hennessy will flow.
8. Get out of your apartment. Do you really want to watch Dr. Phil? NO. So get the hell out and get some goddamn sun because you’re starting to look like a ghost and I don’t mean Patrick Swayze. Staying around your mess will not help you stop thinking about your ex. Oh look, there’s you anniversary gift from 3 months ago. Wow, you haven’t seen that picture of the two of you in years! GET OUT. Get out before the memories swallow you whole and spit your pale ass out onto the rug you bought together. It’s time to see the rest of the world and not just the wallowy one you’re secluding yourself in.
9. Buy new CDs. Yeah, they borrowed them and yeah, they’re supposed to give them back and yeah, it would give you a reason to see them but you are NOT on welfare and you can afford to spend $100 on CDs that you lent to them and will never see again. You know what? Don’t even re-buy the old CDs, buy new ones. Get on iTunes and listen to some new shit and try some new shit on for size. You will not grow if you keep looking back like a daily high school reunion. Move to the beat of a new drum and learn some new routines because that cabbage patch shit will not cut it for long.
10. Know that you will be OK. Sure people say this when someone dies or when you get fired from the bait and tackle shop. But honestly, it’s the truest thing ever. Only in movies are people completely debilitated because someone dumped their ass. That’s just the cheese talking. You will not lose your hair and marry someone else and always long for your ex. Even the most pathetic of pathetic people learn to adapt and change. It is your survival instinct. You will find yourself in time and move on with your rockstar life. Repeat steps 1-9.
2. Brush your teeth. I like to do this every day but some people… not so much. The cool, crisp sting of the toothpaste in your mouth will make you feel like kissing someone. If your ex is getting some from someone new, you best get to steppin’ and get the fuck on with your bad self. Clean teeth, fresh breath, there is no reason you won’t have some hottie’s tongue in your mouth within a week.
3. Eat healthy. I’m not talking about eating a dick or some girl’s cooch… I’m talking about fruits and vegetables. Ice cream and whiskey do not a smokin’ bod make. Eat healthy so that oily forehead disappears and people actually want to look you in the eye when you’re hitting on them at Kohl’s. Pick up some apples and some green leafy veggies and knock yourself out. You will feel energetic and optimistic instead of depressed and rude like you normally are.
4. Exercise. No one wants to be the rebound of a fat ass. Run, bitch, R-U-N. Get on the treadmill. Go to the beach and swim in the ocean. Take a yoga class. If you have gotten out of bed and had a healthy meal, why can’t you go for a jog? The more you move, the more you sweat, the more you sweat, the less toxins are in your body, the less toxins in your body, the more endorphins in the brain, the more endorphins in the brain, the less you have to spend on blow. It’s just fucking practical.
5. Cry if you want to cry. Now, I’m not saying cry like a punk ass bitch. But, if you feel the need to shed a tear, go ahead. Do it quietly and discreetly and try not to do that heaving sob shit. When you’re depressed, you body makes chemicals that it doesn’t normally. When these chemicals build up, some of them come out in your tears. Seriously, I read this somewhere. So, you can cry your ass to sleep and feel better. But don’t let me see you.
6. Talk about it. I don’t care how many people you know, tell EVERYONE about it. Whine about it. Re-hash it with them. Post it on your website. Pretty soon, enough people will avert their eyes to their watch while you go on and on about how fucked up things are that you will realize that you are not in that bad of a place. You have your health and everyone knows your ex is a whore so, fuck them, you’re not giving them the time or day no matter how many different ways it gets back to them that A) you cried and B) you can’t stop talking about them.
7. Acknowledge your feelings. All you have to say is… “I’m a pussy.” Realize this and your own inner drill sergeant will kick you in the shin and make you run through the rubber tires of healing. Your ex acknowledged their feelings: “Hey, it’s over.” So catch the fuck up and know who you are inside and deal with it. You can’t hide from yourself forever and the sooner you fess up, the sooner the Hennessy will flow.
8. Get out of your apartment. Do you really want to watch Dr. Phil? NO. So get the hell out and get some goddamn sun because you’re starting to look like a ghost and I don’t mean Patrick Swayze. Staying around your mess will not help you stop thinking about your ex. Oh look, there’s you anniversary gift from 3 months ago. Wow, you haven’t seen that picture of the two of you in years! GET OUT. Get out before the memories swallow you whole and spit your pale ass out onto the rug you bought together. It’s time to see the rest of the world and not just the wallowy one you’re secluding yourself in.
9. Buy new CDs. Yeah, they borrowed them and yeah, they’re supposed to give them back and yeah, it would give you a reason to see them but you are NOT on welfare and you can afford to spend $100 on CDs that you lent to them and will never see again. You know what? Don’t even re-buy the old CDs, buy new ones. Get on iTunes and listen to some new shit and try some new shit on for size. You will not grow if you keep looking back like a daily high school reunion. Move to the beat of a new drum and learn some new routines because that cabbage patch shit will not cut it for long.
10. Know that you will be OK. Sure people say this when someone dies or when you get fired from the bait and tackle shop. But honestly, it’s the truest thing ever. Only in movies are people completely debilitated because someone dumped their ass. That’s just the cheese talking. You will not lose your hair and marry someone else and always long for your ex. Even the most pathetic of pathetic people learn to adapt and change. It is your survival instinct. You will find yourself in time and move on with your rockstar life. Repeat steps 1-9.
posted by Katie at 4:38 PM
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