fifty-four thousand words
Oh, what a sad day it was on Easter Sunday, my return from the motherland imminent as I waited to board my plane at Lester B. Pearson International Airport.
I set my camera down in a stall in the ladies’ restroom and forgot to pick it up. Mere minutes later when I realized it was missing from my pocket, I ran back for it but alas, it was too late. Some woman has my camera and all the silly photos I took over the course of my three-day excursion. I asked anyone in a uniform for help and sympathy, both of which I got. I did as I was told and ran down the concourse back to the security desk but no one had turned in a camera. Completely traumatized and hyperventilating, I absentmindedly boarded my plane and slumped dejectedly in my seat. I called the boyfriend who tried to console me but I, like my camera, was lost. I was flying solo and completely engrossed in my disappointment. It was probably the longest flight of my life. I tried not to dwell on the fact that I was careless or that the woman who went into the stall after me had the opportunity to do the nice thing as I was washing my hands. I cried, on a plane full of strangers. Haven’t done that since Anthony Hopkins flew me to Italy just to tell me it was over. Alitalia mi amore, until the next time.
With the click of a few buttons, the woman who kept my camera will delete all 150 odd photos from my memory card and fill it with her own mundane shots. To her I say, “Do it, you goddamn pussy.” The images I took, the ones I asked the boyfriend to pull over for, the ones I embarrassed myself in order to take will always be in my mind. So, to honor those lost pixels and .jpgs never to be seen again, I present to you, in lieu of actual photos, the captions which would have accompanied them. Let’s put our imaginations to use.
1. “Nothing says American Airlines like a hideous blue neon eagle.”
2. “Remember how romantic I thought my first flight with the boyfriend would be? Yeah, not so much.” (Photo of the boyfriend sleeping with his baseball hat pulled over his face.)
3. “A moment in the dark.” (Photo of a father standing in the darkened airplane aisle holding his baby girl, rocking her to sleep while the light of the overhead monitor illuminates the cabin of sleeping passengers.)
4. “For the 20 minutes you have to spend waiting for a TSA employee to tell you that your luggage has been accidentally sent to Nicaragua, Starbucks will be there.” (Photo of Starbucks raping a baggage claim area at O’Hare.)
5. “What’s sexier than a grown man wearing a jacket with dancing m&m’s embroidered on the back?”
6. “Americans across this land rejoice! The harvest has been plentiful and our bellies shall be sated!” (Photo of the boyfriend’s hand picking up THREE french fries at once and dipping them into nacho cheese sauce. Slice of Chicago style cheese pizza in the foreground; large soda in the background.)
7. “Winter white flowers.”
8. “Downtown Chicago.”
9. “The boyfriend sipping an iced tea at the Einstein Bagel Co.”
10. “Our dinner at avant garde restaurant Moto.”
11. “The laser demonstration. Chef Homaro Cantu used this laser to burn a vanilla bean and trap the smoke in an overturned wine glass to be filled later with a French oaked cabernet sauvignon. “We’re essentially re-introducing the flavor of vanilla back into the wine.”” (Photo of Chef Homaro Cantu looking greasy and intense.)
12. “Service with a smile.” (Photo of the waiters who walked us to our car while shielding us from the rain with restaurant umbrellas. When we told them it was not necessary they responded with “We’re paid to get wet.” RAWR.)
13. “Storm cloud.”
14. “DJ Jazzy Bench.” (Photo of me and the boyfriend at the airport sitting on a bench painted with a jazz saxophone player.)
15. “I thought I told you that we won’t stop, I thought I told you that we won’t stop.” (Photo taken using the self-timer of me, dancing on the P. Diddy people mover at O’Hare Terminal 3.)
16. “Women who wear high heels while traveling baffle me.”
17. “No coffee or tea for me thanks. I brought my own stash.” (Photo of cupcakes and cookies from Sarah's Candies which I brought on the plane to Toronto.)
18. “Canada, this way.” (Photo of Canadian immigration area.)
19. ““Mr. Sub was my favorite sub shop when I lived here. This guy, “Matt” was so taken with my enthusiasm about buying a sandwich on an otherwise quiet Good Friday afternoon that he gave me “cheese, on the house.”
20. “Love.” (Photo of my feet next to a small circular brass plate stamped with a heart, found all over the sidewalks in the City of North York.)
21. “The window in my guest room at my best friend since 4th grade Vera’s new house.”
22. “The Yonge and Sheppard subway platform, where I came every day from 8th-10th grade while I attended Cardinal Carter Academy for the Arts. Also the location the first breakdance fight I’d ever witnessed.” (Photo of Vera and her husband Richard on the subway platform.)
23. “Bird brained.” (Photo of advertisement on the subway calling for companies with tall office buildings in downtown Toronto to turn off their lights at night. Migrating birds are attracted to the glow and have the tendency to fly into the windows, injuring or killing themselves.)
24. “The big O.” (Photo of the University of Toronto entrance with an overhanging O sign that extends out of a building above the street.)
25. “Ingenious. A seat for your purse!” (Photo of a small leather bench in the corner of Splendido that they brought out for women who did not wish their purses to touch the ground.)
26. “Like snowglobes but with light instead of weird plastic snow.” (Photo of the porcelain tea light covers on our table depicting Egypt and Paris in carved and detailed scenes.)
27. “This little girl, probably 8 years old, was ordering off the menu while two women whom I assume were her aunts chatted. The wait staff was fairly amused as she inquired about items on the menu and how they were prepared. What she should have asked was “How do I make friends?”
28. “Organized garbage. A public garbage containment station where you were instructed on where to put the proper type of garbage in one of FIVE corresponding bins: one for “Litter”, two for “Recycle” (for bottles and cans) and two more for “Recycle” (for paper).” (Photo of highly organized garbage cans with a pile of garbage on the ground next to them.)
29. “Organized garbage – Chinese style. Here you can see the different types of garbage as organized outside a Chinese restaurant. “Wood” for used, disposable chopsticks, “White” plastic bags for napkins and assorted paper items and “Black” plastic bags for leftover cat meat.” (Photo of the Woodstock of garbage festivals.)
30. “Vera reading a book I bought for the boyfriend on the train ride home after dinner.”
31. “My uncle.” (Photo of my uncle who can still smile despite having his foot amputated recently.)
32. “Romantic breakfast.” (Photo of an older Chinese couple on a typical morning date at dim sum. The man was reading a newspaper and holding it up in front of his wife almost like a partition. The wife ate her spicy chicken feet in silence.)
33. “Highway sign with speeds and distances marked in km (kilometers.)”
34. “The buds on the tree outside my room.”
35. “The steps up to the tree house that came with the people house.”
36. “A raccoon sleeping under the built-in bench inside the tree house.” (One of the few photos I regret losing. I will have to go back again to photograph him some day.)
37. “The Yonge subway line that has moments of above ground beauty.”
38. “On the way to the ceremony, this woman fed her child.” (Photo of a stylish young black woman on the bus, breastfeeding her son.)
39. “The wedding ceremony at Emmanuelle Chapel on the University of Toronto campus.”
40. “The bride, Jasmin and her parents.”
41. “The Toronto skyline through a window at the Chapel.”
42. “The bride and groom, Jasmin and Kelly.”
43. “Nanaimo bar. A delicious Canadian snack sold at the Tim Horton's coffee shops scattered every 30 m (100 ft.) in Toronto.” (Photo of Nanimo bar, sort of like a blondie with thick chocolate ganache on top.)
44. “PetroCanada. (Photo of a sign that showed the price of gas at $1.045 a litre which equals $3.47 USD a gallon.)
45. “Chocolate popsicles I used to eat as a child.”
46. “Milk in bags. Less waste means less confusion when throwing out the honest to goodness litter or recyclable organic waste or recyclable non-organic waste.”
47. “Canadians scoff at regular milk flavors like chocolate and strawberry.” (Photo of Rolo flavored milk.)
48. “The marquee at the Eglinton Grand Theater, now converted into an event space. What the conservatives must think when they drive by!” (Photo of “Jasmin and Kelly, Ti Amo” on the marquee. Gay marriage is legal in Canada.)
49. “The art deco interior of the Eglinton Grand.”
50. “Me and Vera who upon reviewing the photo said “Your arm looks fat at that angle.”” (Photo of a large pale arm with two Chinese girls somewhere behind it.)
51. “Me and Vanessa, a girl whom I haven’t seen in 15 years.”
52. “Me and the bride. One of us used to be a model.” (Photo of me looking like a walrus next to a gorgeous vegan yoga instructor bride, pink with joy on her wedding day.)
53. “Peony bouquets.”
54. “The bilingual nature of Canadian airports.” (The last photo I took with my camera of a departure screen listing my United flight as “A l’heure” or “On time.”)
I set my camera down in a stall in the ladies’ restroom and forgot to pick it up. Mere minutes later when I realized it was missing from my pocket, I ran back for it but alas, it was too late. Some woman has my camera and all the silly photos I took over the course of my three-day excursion. I asked anyone in a uniform for help and sympathy, both of which I got. I did as I was told and ran down the concourse back to the security desk but no one had turned in a camera. Completely traumatized and hyperventilating, I absentmindedly boarded my plane and slumped dejectedly in my seat. I called the boyfriend who tried to console me but I, like my camera, was lost. I was flying solo and completely engrossed in my disappointment. It was probably the longest flight of my life. I tried not to dwell on the fact that I was careless or that the woman who went into the stall after me had the opportunity to do the nice thing as I was washing my hands. I cried, on a plane full of strangers. Haven’t done that since Anthony Hopkins flew me to Italy just to tell me it was over. Alitalia mi amore, until the next time.
With the click of a few buttons, the woman who kept my camera will delete all 150 odd photos from my memory card and fill it with her own mundane shots. To her I say, “Do it, you goddamn pussy.” The images I took, the ones I asked the boyfriend to pull over for, the ones I embarrassed myself in order to take will always be in my mind. So, to honor those lost pixels and .jpgs never to be seen again, I present to you, in lieu of actual photos, the captions which would have accompanied them. Let’s put our imaginations to use.
1. “Nothing says American Airlines like a hideous blue neon eagle.”
2. “Remember how romantic I thought my first flight with the boyfriend would be? Yeah, not so much.” (Photo of the boyfriend sleeping with his baseball hat pulled over his face.)
3. “A moment in the dark.” (Photo of a father standing in the darkened airplane aisle holding his baby girl, rocking her to sleep while the light of the overhead monitor illuminates the cabin of sleeping passengers.)
4. “For the 20 minutes you have to spend waiting for a TSA employee to tell you that your luggage has been accidentally sent to Nicaragua, Starbucks will be there.” (Photo of Starbucks raping a baggage claim area at O’Hare.)
5. “What’s sexier than a grown man wearing a jacket with dancing m&m’s embroidered on the back?”
6. “Americans across this land rejoice! The harvest has been plentiful and our bellies shall be sated!” (Photo of the boyfriend’s hand picking up THREE french fries at once and dipping them into nacho cheese sauce. Slice of Chicago style cheese pizza in the foreground; large soda in the background.)
7. “Winter white flowers.”
8. “Downtown Chicago.”
9. “The boyfriend sipping an iced tea at the Einstein Bagel Co.”
10. “Our dinner at avant garde restaurant Moto.”
11. “The laser demonstration. Chef Homaro Cantu used this laser to burn a vanilla bean and trap the smoke in an overturned wine glass to be filled later with a French oaked cabernet sauvignon. “We’re essentially re-introducing the flavor of vanilla back into the wine.”” (Photo of Chef Homaro Cantu looking greasy and intense.)
12. “Service with a smile.” (Photo of the waiters who walked us to our car while shielding us from the rain with restaurant umbrellas. When we told them it was not necessary they responded with “We’re paid to get wet.” RAWR.)
13. “Storm cloud.”
14. “DJ Jazzy Bench.” (Photo of me and the boyfriend at the airport sitting on a bench painted with a jazz saxophone player.)
15. “I thought I told you that we won’t stop, I thought I told you that we won’t stop.” (Photo taken using the self-timer of me, dancing on the P. Diddy people mover at O’Hare Terminal 3.)
16. “Women who wear high heels while traveling baffle me.”
17. “No coffee or tea for me thanks. I brought my own stash.” (Photo of cupcakes and cookies from Sarah's Candies which I brought on the plane to Toronto.)
18. “Canada, this way.” (Photo of Canadian immigration area.)
19. ““Mr. Sub was my favorite sub shop when I lived here. This guy, “Matt” was so taken with my enthusiasm about buying a sandwich on an otherwise quiet Good Friday afternoon that he gave me “cheese, on the house.”
20. “Love.” (Photo of my feet next to a small circular brass plate stamped with a heart, found all over the sidewalks in the City of North York.)
21. “The window in my guest room at my best friend since 4th grade Vera’s new house.”
22. “The Yonge and Sheppard subway platform, where I came every day from 8th-10th grade while I attended Cardinal Carter Academy for the Arts. Also the location the first breakdance fight I’d ever witnessed.” (Photo of Vera and her husband Richard on the subway platform.)
23. “Bird brained.” (Photo of advertisement on the subway calling for companies with tall office buildings in downtown Toronto to turn off their lights at night. Migrating birds are attracted to the glow and have the tendency to fly into the windows, injuring or killing themselves.)
24. “The big O.” (Photo of the University of Toronto entrance with an overhanging O sign that extends out of a building above the street.)
25. “Ingenious. A seat for your purse!” (Photo of a small leather bench in the corner of Splendido that they brought out for women who did not wish their purses to touch the ground.)
26. “Like snowglobes but with light instead of weird plastic snow.” (Photo of the porcelain tea light covers on our table depicting Egypt and Paris in carved and detailed scenes.)
27. “This little girl, probably 8 years old, was ordering off the menu while two women whom I assume were her aunts chatted. The wait staff was fairly amused as she inquired about items on the menu and how they were prepared. What she should have asked was “How do I make friends?”
28. “Organized garbage. A public garbage containment station where you were instructed on where to put the proper type of garbage in one of FIVE corresponding bins: one for “Litter”, two for “Recycle” (for bottles and cans) and two more for “Recycle” (for paper).” (Photo of highly organized garbage cans with a pile of garbage on the ground next to them.)
29. “Organized garbage – Chinese style. Here you can see the different types of garbage as organized outside a Chinese restaurant. “Wood” for used, disposable chopsticks, “White” plastic bags for napkins and assorted paper items and “Black” plastic bags for leftover cat meat.” (Photo of the Woodstock of garbage festivals.)
30. “Vera reading a book I bought for the boyfriend on the train ride home after dinner.”
31. “My uncle.” (Photo of my uncle who can still smile despite having his foot amputated recently.)
32. “Romantic breakfast.” (Photo of an older Chinese couple on a typical morning date at dim sum. The man was reading a newspaper and holding it up in front of his wife almost like a partition. The wife ate her spicy chicken feet in silence.)
33. “Highway sign with speeds and distances marked in km (kilometers.)”
34. “The buds on the tree outside my room.”
35. “The steps up to the tree house that came with the people house.”
36. “A raccoon sleeping under the built-in bench inside the tree house.” (One of the few photos I regret losing. I will have to go back again to photograph him some day.)
37. “The Yonge subway line that has moments of above ground beauty.”
38. “On the way to the ceremony, this woman fed her child.” (Photo of a stylish young black woman on the bus, breastfeeding her son.)
39. “The wedding ceremony at Emmanuelle Chapel on the University of Toronto campus.”
40. “The bride, Jasmin and her parents.”
41. “The Toronto skyline through a window at the Chapel.”
42. “The bride and groom, Jasmin and Kelly.”
43. “Nanaimo bar. A delicious Canadian snack sold at the Tim Horton's coffee shops scattered every 30 m (100 ft.) in Toronto.” (Photo of Nanimo bar, sort of like a blondie with thick chocolate ganache on top.)
44. “PetroCanada. (Photo of a sign that showed the price of gas at $1.045 a litre which equals $3.47 USD a gallon.)
45. “Chocolate popsicles I used to eat as a child.”
46. “Milk in bags. Less waste means less confusion when throwing out the honest to goodness litter or recyclable organic waste or recyclable non-organic waste.”
47. “Canadians scoff at regular milk flavors like chocolate and strawberry.” (Photo of Rolo flavored milk.)
48. “The marquee at the Eglinton Grand Theater, now converted into an event space. What the conservatives must think when they drive by!” (Photo of “Jasmin and Kelly, Ti Amo” on the marquee. Gay marriage is legal in Canada.)
49. “The art deco interior of the Eglinton Grand.”
50. “Me and Vera who upon reviewing the photo said “Your arm looks fat at that angle.”” (Photo of a large pale arm with two Chinese girls somewhere behind it.)
51. “Me and Vanessa, a girl whom I haven’t seen in 15 years.”
52. “Me and the bride. One of us used to be a model.” (Photo of me looking like a walrus next to a gorgeous vegan yoga instructor bride, pink with joy on her wedding day.)
53. “Peony bouquets.”
54. “The bilingual nature of Canadian airports.” (The last photo I took with my camera of a departure screen listing my United flight as “A l’heure” or “On time.”)
posted by Katie at 4:39 PM
3 Comments:
Don't forget the plethora of potato chip flavours in Canada including the newest ones: wasabi, and thai curry! I think you had at least 2 potato chip bag photos (one in Dominion supermarket, one in Shoppers Drug Mart)
I called back Toronto Pearson airport the day after you left and asked if anyone had turned in any camera on Easter Sunday. They hadn't. Last time something was turned in was the Friday (day you arrived). I'm pretty disappointed about that.
Oh yeah, Richard looked at the raccoon again today and it hadn't moved since you photographed it. The damn thing was dead for weeks and we just thought it was sleeping during the day (which raccoons do!) Now we have to figure out to get rid of it!
Oh shit!!! I feel sort of sad now because that means I won't be able to photograph him again. Dang. I wonder if he was dead when I took the pictures to begin with. Now we won't have anything for the funeral.
Thanks for calling the airport for me. I also called a few times. And yeah, I completely forgot about the pictures of the potato chips and also pictures of "Mike Ditka Way" in Chicago.
Post a Comment
<< Home