not at all
The other day, I went to visit a friend at her place of work. Forcing myself into the middle of their nightly fray, I stood amongst the bustling employees as they ran helter skelter. It was the end of the day and everyone wanted to go home. To retreat from the demands and the duties. To kick off shoes and wash faces and fold into bed. I felt out of place, in civilian clothes, but watched proudly as my friend prepared her troops for the following day. A calm moment appeared and as she put a few lonely items away for the night, she said to me "I'm so glad you came. I was telling my coworkers about you. I told them you're one of the smartest people I know." To this I replied, "Not at all. There is so much that I don't know."
I don't know how to set up my 401k. Or if I already have one. I don't know where the Newark Airport is in relation to Manhattan. I don't know how peeled shrimp are denuded by machine. I don't know why eyelashes only grow to a certain length. I don't know where my life is headed. I don't know what marriage means. I don't know how to break into the advertising industry. I don't know why my sister continues to date a boy who doesn't deserve her. I don't even know how long I've been wearing my current pair of contacts.
When I tally the things I do know, or at least think I know, I feel like my brain is a silo filled with a dreary year's harvest. I'm 29 years old and I feel like a child wandering this big, grey world. I'm taking my first trip to London next week and I am sure that the wonder of an unfamiliar city will overcome me. It is what I crave. I am in desperate need of change. Change that leads to happiness instead of sadness. Change that is within my control. I need to go where I know nothing at all. Where it's acceptable that I am unlearned in even the simplest things like the shape of coins and the name of the neighborhood I'm staying in. Where the flattering pressure of being the smartest person someone knows is alleviated. Sometimes, I can't live up to myself. And knowing this might make me a little bit smarter.
I don't know how to set up my 401k. Or if I already have one. I don't know where the Newark Airport is in relation to Manhattan. I don't know how peeled shrimp are denuded by machine. I don't know why eyelashes only grow to a certain length. I don't know where my life is headed. I don't know what marriage means. I don't know how to break into the advertising industry. I don't know why my sister continues to date a boy who doesn't deserve her. I don't even know how long I've been wearing my current pair of contacts.
When I tally the things I do know, or at least think I know, I feel like my brain is a silo filled with a dreary year's harvest. I'm 29 years old and I feel like a child wandering this big, grey world. I'm taking my first trip to London next week and I am sure that the wonder of an unfamiliar city will overcome me. It is what I crave. I am in desperate need of change. Change that leads to happiness instead of sadness. Change that is within my control. I need to go where I know nothing at all. Where it's acceptable that I am unlearned in even the simplest things like the shape of coins and the name of the neighborhood I'm staying in. Where the flattering pressure of being the smartest person someone knows is alleviated. Sometimes, I can't live up to myself. And knowing this might make me a little bit smarter.
posted by Katie at 5:26 PM
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